It has officially been a month since I started back to school(give or take a few days) and I have to admit it sucks just as bad as it did 8 years ago.
Some context, at the age of 21 I brilliantly decided that I wanted to try going to university just because it irked me that I had never attempted, upon arriving I realized that I enjoyed my classes, the teachers were interesting and I quite enjoyed the material(I was majoring in History). Alas, as soon as I had to go home and read through said material, my brain promptly shut down. Even by that age I had spent so many years devouring book after book for pleasure that when forced to read specifically to study I just got blocked, although I generally understood the material and passed my midterms by the end of the semester I was just thoroughly annoyed with school and left without doing my finals(woops).
Fast forward 8 years, I am an Assistant Manager of a relatively large health store here in Quebec, not making anything special pay wise and thoroughly fed up of being a Manager. I am a nerd who happens to be decent at organizing and managing(although this second part is up for debate) but I have never enjoyed it. So after some soul searching(and my girlfriend dumping me) I decided hey! let’s go back to school and become a teacher. Now I take some small pleasure in explaining things to people and I love to learn, so teaching seemed like a good quality career that I could feel good in and about. The thing is though…I HATE SCHOOL! Firstly my first two semesters are mainly just me re-taking my old classes that I am in failed standing for, and then after if my grades are high enough I may be lucky enough to get transferred into education, which will then take four years to complete. Now for anyone who has difficulty with math, 21+8=29=that is my age=yes I did go back to school at 29 and holy hell is that difficult in and of itself, add in 5 years of schooling to that while trying to pay my apartment and working 3 days a week and being surrounded by 19 year olds and you can just feels the awkwardness.
I think the main issue I am having is the need to justify myself 5 years of effort and the monetary issues doing creates. I want to say that teaching is something I feel passionate about…but I just don’t. The fact is I don’t really feel passionate about much of anything these days. There are things I enjoy, like reading and walking and anime. But other than that I barely have the desire to even get out of bed. It’s been like this for the last few years, in and out of depression and just trying to get my shit together and failing(hence why my girlfriend left me, too many mistakes, too many lies) I just cannot seem to get a grip on myself. I know what to do to feel good= Train daily, eat well and alot, keep a stable sleep pattern, get outside and move, and do stuff I like. But I cannot seem to make the habits stick longer than a month or so before it all derails and I feel worse than when I started. I sleep horribly(for about 5 years+ now) and it has gotten worse since my ex left and school has exacerbated it, I have a constant brain fog, my whole body aches, and overall getting out of bed or doing anything in the evening is a huge struggle.
I have decided to go see a therapist, but I just don’t know what to do with school. The only thing I can think of is to at least try to tough it through this first semester and pass so that I am not in failed standing. I don’t know what possessed me to do this, I have barely been hanging on just working a job, why I thought I could do full time school and work 3 days and deal with my own place is beyond me. And it annoys me because it feels like I am just running away from something difficult again and I don’t want to do that.
I am so tired of feeling like a god damn idiot. Repeating the same cycle over and over is pathetic, and I don’t want to blame anyone or anything else because I know the change needs to come from me.
When I started this blog it was to help myself find inspiration and work through my issues, but so far I have just managed to write alot of weepy poetry about losing the only woman I loved and who cared about me.
I have no idea where I was going with this, I just needed to vent. I want to start writing again just for the pleasure of writing, it helps to get my thoughts out.
To anyone who is going through similar issues, my heart goes out to you. Being a human can be a pain in the ass.