“One person simply can’t be all things to another person – sexually or otherwise—and unmet needs, unfulfilled desire, and unexplored possibilities are prices we pay to be in LTRs (long –term relationships). Monogamous, polyamorous, Femdom, or whatever: All couples people walk around feeling a little unfulfilled. (Single people, too). Because no one gets everything they want.”
― Dan Savage
Sexuality has long been an interest of mine as it seeps into every aspect of our lives, even in those small few who have no sexual desire whatsoever will still be affected by sexuality in multiple ways growing up.
I grew up a tall, skinny awkward white boy with acne and zero capacity for speech with the opposite sex, there was even a long period of time I thought I might be gay but it eventually didn’t pan out, I simply was too mesmerized by the female form to care much about being with men once I got older. As you can imagine, being a sexually repressed teenage boy led to tons of porn and online flirtatiousness which I will expand upon in another post on porn addiction at a later date, and just not doing too well with women once I did start dating.
I dated my first girlfriend at 19 and lost my virginity, looking back on it now it was not good sex, she was definitely not opening up in certain ways and I had no idea what I was doing. Now years later and having dated many women and experienced different sexual needs, I am still mostly lost but I feel confident enough that I can please a woman most of the time haha.
Sexuality is extremely complex because it ties together emotional needs with intellectual and physical needs into one bundle of confusion. Living in the society that we do now which has extremes, hyper conservative religious mumbo jumbo that causes repression on a massive scale and those on the other end who do the weirdest, scariest things to get off that you cannot even imagine how they do it.
And when this sexual confusion is taken into a relationship, especially long term, it is no wonder that we have so much problems keeping people together for long periods of time. I speak to many younger people and both men and women these days are just at odds in so many ways, and is it so surprising?
Men grow up being told that they are perverts and rapists and should be ashamed of their sexuality while simultaneously being told that they need to be strong and courageous and dominant but also gentle and loving and then you have women being shamed all the time about their sexuality and desire and they need to be dominated but no, wait, they need to take control and be dominant. And all this combined with the fact that most kids socialize through computers and not with each other more often than not, leading to even more confusion.
Its just a fucking cluster fuck of epic proportions. We are not a monogamous species sexually, perhaps socially to a greater degree but overall men and women are built to fuck multiple partners. Does that mean someone might have zero desire for other people beside their lover? of course not anything is possible, but for the majority of us falling in love with multiple people is normal and OKAY, and wanting to fuck many people is great and we all need to accept this.
I could write forever on this but this is supposed to be about Dan Savage so I will leave you with this talk he did, I suggest you watch all his other talks as well he is a fantastically open and brutally honest gay sex columnist who for all intents and purposes is trying to save people from themselves. Losing the people we love in our lives because we repress our sexuality and emotional issues and cheat or lie should not be the norm, but it is.
It is time to grow up.