I think i’m in love again

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

Anais Nin

That moment when your mind makes a connection, comes to that sudden realization that the way you have been looking at something has been all wrong and there was a truth that escaped you that has now been found is achingly sweet.

I think this realization came to me slowly, and it may not make sense to some of you I suppose, but the final trigger was actually Kat Dahlias song I think i’m in love again, which is her heartfelt pleasure at realizing that she has fallen in love again with a new man in her life.

To me this song somehow brought me back to my past relationship with my ex, who due to my absolutely wrecking our relationship is now gone from my life. Yet I was not overcome by the usual sadness and despair that these memories invoke, but with pure joy. You see in my life I have always felt cut off from others, it seemed that no matter what I did I simply could not feel love, at least not deeply and meaningfully. I did not feel it towards family, friends or any of my past lovers. Most especially I did not feel that I myself was truly loved by others.

Yet with my ex, even though I was aware to a certain degree during our relationship that she truly loved me and I loved her, I was so overwhelmed by the plethora of past emotions and bad habits all coming to the fore to truly be appreciative, which is what led to my doing the stupidities that I did and our subsequent breakup.

But see, looking back on it now, I realize that although she and I are not together anymore, and perhaps I will never be able to rekindle even a friendship with her, she is not lost to me. My love for her was real and so was hers for me. I truly love her, with every fiber of my being, and I know now that she is not keeping away from me because she hates me, but because she loved me so much that the pain of my lies is too much for her to confront right now.

So yes, I think i’m in love again, or more accurately, I realize that I have always been in love with her and will continue to be so for the rest of my life even if I meet someone else, and even if perhaps her love for me fades, I know that it truly existed, and knowing that someone could love me, even when I was going through so much turmoil and not even being the best that I could be, is a comfort and a joy for me.

I think a big part of the pain people feel is a separation from others, a despair at never being fully understood and loved truly. Now I do not think my ex could possibly have understood me fully even if we lived together our whole lives, but she accepted that and did all she could to give her love to me.

I am eternally grateful to her, and will never forget the kindness she showed me.

If you are feeling alone and unloved, just try to remember all those you have loved or who have loved you, and realize that even if they are gone the love was real and hold onto that and know that that love will come again, and even if you have not had that experience, know that it will come and just be patient with yourself.

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