I remember one day when I was a young boy being on the beach, I was right at the shoreline but there was a small riptide that day, and no matter how much I struggled against it it pulled me back into the water. It was so frustrating, I knew I was going to be fine, if I stood the water only came to my stomach, but I just could not get to the shore, I was panicking, it was right there and I could not reach it no matter what I did! That is pretty much how I feel everyday now.
I am a bit of a stranger to myself in many ways yet simultaneously it feels like I am more aware of my own self compared to others I meet. I have quite a large capacity for self reflection which has predominantly been focused on reminding myself how full of shit I am on a constant basis.
Yet being self aware does not equate to getting things accomplished. That old saying that it is easier to give advice then to take your own advice rings sadly true in my life.
In my opinion I am quite knowledgeable compared to the average person, I have read much over a wide array of topics and thought much on many things, yet I am quite confident in the statement that on a scale of 1-10 on the intelligence scale, I probably rate at about a 5 on most days, which in some ways horrifies me because I find most people to be dull and stupid, and if I know so much more than them and I find I barely even pass average intelligence what the hell does that mean for the rest of the world.
I know most of you are trying to figure out whether I am conceited or not, difficult to say when I am also insulting myself at the same time I know.
All I know is that in this moment I am looking back on my life, and at the present moment all I see are a string of failures. With family, friends, lovers and in my own personal development. I have given up on every single thing I ever put my mind too. A week seems to be my breaking point, after which I run away and hide in tv shows, sexual stuff and video games. I suppose to be fair I have advanced in tiny spurts over the years, to say that I am anything like I was at 18 would be unfair to myself. But yet it seems like such a joke at this moment.
Every great idea I have had, I haven’t pursued. Every decision I have made, I have given up on.
The few people who have loved me, I ran from, deliberately sabotaged our relationships.
Life seems empty right now.
Yet at the same time life has never been so full of opportunity for me. I am right on the cusp of freedom from debt, I am close to travelling again, my thoughts are set on moving to a new home. I know more than I have ever known and have all the information I need to leap into a new stage of development.
Yet all I want to do is curl up in a ball and shut everything out. For lack of a better way of saying it, life is a bitch.
Something always drags me back to my old habits. Is it depression? is there a neurochemical imbalance in my brain that just fucks me up everytime? god knows I have not slept well in nearly 5 years, and worked for 3 years night shifts before that, and we all know how much that can wreck you. But it seems like more, as though I just do not want to succeed, even though I know what I want more than anything.
All I need to do is look to my relationship with my ex and see every single bad habit come into fruition in one beautiful flowering to destroy anything good I was building up. I have condemned my father for being weak and allowing his past to control his present, yet I who have barely had a tenth of his pain am not even able to pull myself out the hole I have dug for myself.
I want to be better. I crave it so much it hurts. Yet I am so tired. Sometimes I cannot think of anything else but the exhaustion. Yet I so desperately want to be more. For myself and for those who I have hurt when I dragged them into my foolishness.
It really is a joke the more I think on it. Life is so funny I just want to lose myself in laughter. Or maybe I am the joke. I cannot even trust my own judgement of myself.
Fuck it. Let us see what tomorrow brings, maybe I will get up then.