False pride

I have just commited the most selfish act of my life.

I told my ex-gf that I had cheated on her.

The second most selfish act was, of course, the cheating.

Some people will say that those of us who bare our souls to the world are too open,  that we live in a generation that shares way too much, and I can agree to a certain point. But yet there is a certain freedom to throwing your private self out to the world, to let everyone see you for what you truly are.

Some people will say that I had no business telling her now that we were broken up, that causing her pain most pointless, and would only satisfy my own needs, and I can agree with that fully as well.

But it was gnawing at me, eating me up inside, you see we were still trying to be friends, and how could I continue to be friends with her with such a huge lie hanging in the background?

And now she is gone, doubtless for the rest of my life, and I can say with conviction that she was the best friend I have ever had, the only person to pull me open and help me to feel good and connected in this world,  and I cheated on her.

Its amazing how almost everyone has to reach rock bottom before they realize the downward spiral their life has been on. Before Anny, I was lost for sure, with debt and confusion about my direction in life, but internally I was strong. I was wrapped in a sheathe of integrity and strength of will, fully assured that I was so much better than other people.

Arrogance is beautiful when it is ripped to shreds by truth.

The near 2 years I spent with her, while the best 2 years of my life, were also filled with realizations of how weak I was. How many things I had become addicted too, weaknesses I had let blossom unopposed, and they came out raging to destroy me.

Having finally told her the truth about my failures, I am simultaneously relieved and also ashamed, in my freedom to tell my truths to her and break free of the lies, I have put nothing but more pain into her life. She is strong though, and I know she will come out of this even stronger and pick a better man for herself in the future.

Now it is time for me to address my problems, alone, as I should have done from the beginning before I decided to pull a good woman into my storm of bullshit.

We all fail, all do things we cannot explain, impulse, desire, anger, fear…it all bleeds out into a swirling tempest of uncontrollable waste.

I don’t want to waste my time anymore. I only get one shot at this life, I want to look back on it with some semblance of pride in what I have done. So far, I’ve got nothing.

Time to grow the fuck up.

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