Strange endings, love and loss.

I just broke up with my girlfriend, a woman who for the last year has given me so much joy and comfort. A joy that i truly believe i was undeserving of, and a feeling that i hope i gave to her enough to justify her having blessed me with her time.

Time is the most precious thing we can give someone, and it is wasted by people on frivolities and pictures of animals and the latest show that humiliates those we call our brothers and sisters.

Endings are strange things…perhaps more so than beginnings.

Think of a beginning..could be anything really, learning a new hobby, moving to a new place, becoming friends or lovers with someone..all of it has this spark of excitement to it, this mysterious i dont know whats going to happen but it could be good feeling.

Some people, so afraid to fail and be looked down upon, so incapable of dealing with pain of any kind will just cut these beginnings off, never take that first step, never make the move that could change their whole lives.

Then there is the risk takers, the adrenaline junkies, that group of people that regardless of how afraid they are, they are able to just push past the fear because they know that unless they make that leap they may never have the opportunity to reach that ever elusive feeling that everyone desperately craves…happiness.

What is happiness anyway? people in health fields have tried to cram it into a narrow, simple list that everyone can strive towards and to a certain degree that has validity, but individual variation must be taken into account..everyone has different hopes and dreams and what consitutes happiness for one person may be utterly defeating for another.

So how do we figure out what makes us happy?…if i had the answer to that i would probably be a millionaire…and a much happier person myself. All i can say is that in my 26 years of being on this beautiful planet, the one truth i accept that i believe applies to every person is that to find that center of yourself, that place where you can just…BE…requires constant moving forward. One step forward at a time, and life will push you back 5 steps, but so long as you keep wading forward through the waves that life crashes upon you you will eventually realize that you were happy all along, you just let yourself get distracted by the bullshit.

And life isn’t just going to let you sit there and stay happy, it will keep trying to rip it away from you, and you will get distracted again and fall into a slump, but if you just remember that if you put one foot forward and keep walking, you will find it again, and for just a moment, everything will make sense, then i think it makes life worth living.

My beginning with my ex-lover was wondeful, joyous and helped me to realize many things about myself, some bad…but some good. And now i find myself at the end of it, with all these aching memories, and i realize that no matter how painful it is i would not trade them for anything in the world, and that is a strange thing really…but yet each of those memories constitutes that perfect moment when life made sense for me, and i was happy and content, and i truly hope everyone has the chance to feel as i felt in those moments.

Thank you Anny, for giving me a wonderful year, and for putting some hope back into this bitter old young fart. It has been worth every second i gave to you. A piece of me will always belong to you, firecat.  I hope this new beginning brings us both to even greater heights.

Love always, officer firmbottom.

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